IT’S TIME FOR PACIFIC PALISADES TO BUILD ITS OWN WALL
Mayor Kevin Nealon: An accomplished crime fighter, but were his election results tainted?
By BOB VICKREY
After reading the latest crime report in our local paper, I’m calling upon the citizens of Pacific Palisades to come together and build a wall around our town.
Just the other day I read that two CD’s were stolen from a vehicle parked along Swarthmore Avenue. And twice last week my newspaper went missing from my driveway. This rampant crime wave is out of control and must be stopped before it gets even worse.
You may have noticed that we’ve been attracting a bad element recently from Santa Monica and Brentwood—not to mention the celebrity types from Malibu that are crossing our border. Many of these people are known stockbrokers, accountants, entertainment lawyers—and even worse!
I’m sure there are some good people from these places but they are not sending their best.
Let’s take a page out of our new President’s playbook and build a wall. A big wall. A really big wall. A tremendous wall. And we’ll make Brentwood pay for it. Don’t residents there have a $350,000 per-household income? They can afford it. We’ll make them pay. You’ll see!
And after the wall is built, we should immediately institute background checks on people who are already living here. I’m told there are some ne’er-do-wells residing here now posing as Methodists and Lutherans and who are likely up to no good. And who knows, Baptists could be our next trespassers. And if we don’t pay attention, they will soon be trying to build their own church here. You have to ask yourself, what’s next?
If these seem like extreme measures, let’s consider what we stand for in the Palisades. We need to protect the sanctity of our town, including the nail salons where we get our foot massages, our Spa retreats where we meditate and find our spiritual center, and the coffee shops where we enjoy our soy lattes and double mochas—but perhaps most importantly—the juice bars where we have our all-important daily kale and cucumber anti-oxidant drinks.
We need to find protection from these outside elements who simply don’t understand our values—and frankly, never will.
Late at night, these wild-in-the streets hellions ride through town on their fancy Yamaha bikes waking me at all-hours. They must be captured and prosecuted—and water-boarded if necessary. However, we may need to check with Honorary Mayor Kevin Nealon on that one point to see if he thinks that action is legal. If not, maybe we could just turn the garden hose on them from our homes along Sunset Boulevard.
And speaking of Mayor Nealon, inside sources tell me that his election to office may have been tainted by thousands—maybe even millions—of unregistered voters. After we get that wall built, we’ll form a committee and begin an investigation into voter irregularities. Even though there are unconfirmed reports that the mayor’s position is done by Chamber of Commerce appointment and not by election, we will still want to move ahead just to make sure he is really our mayor.
To launch the building of the wall project in the proper way, I think we need to have a giant march and rally on the Village Green. On second thought, that’s not going to offer a big enough venue. Maybe Pali High stadium or the Rose Bowl would be even better. We would likely draw “uuuge” crowds that would rival the recent women’s march—but certainly not come anywhere near the crowd size that attended the Presidential inauguration.
I’m hoping you are all on board with the wall idea. We’ll build a great wall that will offer developer Rick Caruso and his new Village Project the safety it deserves from outside influences. Even though Mr. Caruso lives in Brentwood, I’m quite confident that given his impeccable credentials, he’ll be vetted quickly and will be welcome anytime in Pacific Palisades.
Bob Vickrey is a longtime Palisadian and has never lived across the border in Santa Monica, Brentwood, or Malibu.